Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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