I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
