Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
