In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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