Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
