God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
