I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
