K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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