My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
