The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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