we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
