I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
