I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize