Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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