i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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