Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
