Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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