Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We just shotgunned beers for America
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
