I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize