Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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