i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
