I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize