i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
