Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
