The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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