I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
