He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
