my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
