You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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