When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
