One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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