she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
