I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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