As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize