I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
