I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
