Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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