dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize