Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
