I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
