I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
