a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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