Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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