I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
