I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
