Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize