brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
