Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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