I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
