Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
