i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
