I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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