I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
it glows. i had to have it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
