Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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