if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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