My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
