Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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