Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
