anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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