I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
