"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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