Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
