I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
