dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
